Sometimes Life Just Sucks!

Sometimes Life Just Sucks!
By Harry David Kowal

Sometimes life just sucks. While often we tend to brings things on ourselves, there are times when no fault of our own something devastating happens and the world as we know it come crumbling down and all we are left with is a big sucking sound as all of our energy, resources, finances, emotions and sanity are being just sucked away from us.

Where to they go? Is there some type of giant vacuum cleaner bag in the sky were the collection of all our states of being are just waiting to be dumped?

I’m not talking about forgetting to pay you auto insurance and one day you get an official letter in the mail saying that your auto tags have been cancelled and you are no longer allowed to drive your car until proof of insurance can be shown. The unwanted travel, money and time to correct this problem does indeed suck but if we would have been careful as to not forgetting to pay our insurance it would not have happened.

No, what I am talking about is like when a close friend or love one dies, or they come to a serious health problem like and injury or illness that leads to disability, such as one losing their eye sight.

In my own case in was not just the depilating pain but the degree of limitation that I now found I had, I no longer could do some of the things I use to, and those I could do, I no longer could do them in the time frame to be productive and find employment.

Often it is not the one, two punch of events that take us out, but rather what seams to be an ever increasing amount of little things that keep pilling up until one day we fine that they cast a shadow on everything and life in general, just sucks.

Let me digress and interject an example. In my own case I had been declared permanently totally disabled since June 9th, 2003. It had taken me years to come to terms with, and in some cases I am still fighting it. About 2 years ago my wife of 33 years at the time, decided she want to live alone and find out who she was. Not being able of afford the rental were we were living after she moved out, I was forced to move into a old mobile home on the outskirts of town. It was indeed the worse year of my life. Later my wife told me it was the best year of her life. We tried getting back together again and after a year I moved in with her. It was a mistake, it was her house, she had made in her home and I was now a guest. At least that is how I felt.

I was making plans of traveling in my 1986 Fleetwood Pace Arrow when she informed me she did not want to get a divorce yet, and she did not want me to file the paperwork which we had completed. We talked about using the time from the trip I was to be gone on, as a time to rethink what we wanted from each other and what we wanted from life.

One of the problems was that with my photography, computer and Amateur Radio, there was just not enough room in her mobile home so I thought if we used my RV as a spare room parked next to her mobile home I could have my hobbies and interests and she would not have the clutter or confusion in her life.

After a few weeks she told me that she still wanted to be alone and that we should go ahead and file for the divorce. I rented a lot just a few doors down from her and set up my RV. I needed time to fix some of the problems I discovered on my Arizona trip and to pay off the credit card that I had to use for gas. I planed on 8-9 mpg but only got around 4, thus the cost was twice as much. My $1,400 adventure became $2,400 and that did not include the brake down in Truth or Consequences, NM or some of the other added expenses I encountered.

As I try to make plans of going south before winter comes, maybe even going to Sedona, AZ a small town I feel in love with while on my trip, I started to realize that in may not happen.

I had a generator that stopped running, my speed odometer cable had broken, the lights on my dashboard would not work without blowing a fuse, the engine ran so rough that even after new spark plugs and wires it still needs work and the awning was almost torn half off by the wind and needed replacement.

I still have a lot more downsizing to do to try and lower even more weight. I had already gotten rid of things I seldom used, didn’t want, or would not help me on my travels. But now I needed to get rid of things I wanted, things that I had worked hard for and would be useful on my travels. I had already lost so much in my life and now I had to give up even more. I had to decide what it was that I really wanted.

I wanted my wife of now 35 years to say we had worked so hard to get this far lets keep working at it and look forward to the good times we are still going to have. But that was not going to happen.

I have three wonderful children in OK, PA, and NJ with a grandchild in OK and two in PA and one more due in August of this year. I had close friends in NJ, LA, and AZ who I wanted to see again after almost 40 years. And a strong desire to see this beautiful country. But, could it happen?

Yesterday I discovered my motorcycle was losing air in the rear tire. It is my main means of transportation. I know that a tune up and timing on the RV could cost upwards of $300-500, the speed odometer cable would be another $100 plus installation and the awning would be about $200 plus installation. Today I got an indication of low DC voltage going to the refrigerator and the radio would malfunction. After I turned off all the light and unplugged anything that was using DC voltage the indicator turned off. But there must be a problem. I am tied into a 30 amp shore line and there should be enough voltage going to the charger to keep the batteries fully charged. Should be, is the key words here.

Well so far I estimate I will need at least $1,000 for repairs and that does not include fixing my generator. But wait what about the gas I had to put on the credit card. I want that bill paid off so that if something happens on the road I have the resources to get it fixed. That leaves me with trying to pay off about $5,000 (including the repairs) before winter, but there is more. To get back to Sedona, AZ I will need about $1,400 cash for gas. So the actually amount I need to go back before winter is around $6,400. And let’s say I stay until October, 3 more months. With a total income of less then $3,500 for 3 month, that has to pay for food, bills, lot rental, etc. it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that it just isn’t going to happen.

So now I have to make plans on staying the winter here in Joplin, MO in a 31’ RV. Last year there were three ice storms. We lost power in two of them and one time it was for almost two weeks. The cold weather causes my pain to increase as well as a greater chance of falling.

So, sometimes life just sucks. What can I do about it? Well, not too much. I am downsizing all that I can, making the repairs as I can afford them and living each day, one day at a time. Next month about $75 my half has to go for the divorcé court fees. I half way think that she is the one that wants it, so why doesn’t she just pay for it. No, I don’t want this marriage that has survived so much to end with bitterness.

So even with all the sucking sounds I hear everyday I keep on hoping that I will find my way. Maybe not in getting everything I want, but to be content with everything I have.

I have a two year old American Orange Tabby named Lugnut, Luggy for short, who has become very close to me. When he is scared because of a noise or a thunderstorm, he will run to my arms and bury his face in my hands. And when I am feeling sad because of the constant sucking sound, he is there for me, licking my hands and rubbing his body next to mine. Last few nights as I am working on the RV I have slept on the couch. I woke up both nights finding him sleeping on my chest. With less then 310 square feet of space we are trying to find are place in the world. Some place were the constant drone of the sucking sound can not be heard above all the sounds that the birds are making with songs, people are making with laughter, and the sounds Luggy and I are making living each day to the fullest in our little 31 ft, part of the world.

If you would like to see som recient photos from our trip go directly to http://www.harrydavidandlugnut.com/Photographs.html and click on one of the three slide shows or go to http://www.harrydavidandlugnut.com/ to visit my web site.

Where is Harry-David & Lugnut?

Where is Harry David & Lugnut?

Contrary to many beliefs I am not wondering done the byways and highway of America. In fact I am still here in Joplin, Missouri.

“Why”? Someone asked me the other day. Well, the simple answer is, I’ve never done this before and my estimating the time it would take to get things done was so far off that I missed my anticipated date of April, 1st, by weeks.

Is funny how you plan and plan, carefully getting all your ducks in a row when you least expect it one of them steps out of line and another fails to make formation. This is the last time I will use ducks.

The long and short of it is that it has taken me longer then I planned to load the RV, setup my backup camera and get the extra storage chest for the trailer. Also my 1991 Olds, Delta 88 has not sold yet. The car market in Joplin has fallen out. All of the used car dealers have a full selection of cars that are just setting there. One dealer told me he sold only 2 cars this month when other times he would of sold 10 by now.

I haven’t given up. I now have signs in the front and back window of the Olds. Saying it’s for sale. And I am now willing to take a best offer.

The only things that I am waiting on are the sale of the car, mounting the storage chests and moving my computer into the RV. I’m moving the computer system on Saturday the 19th. I’ll pick up some food as I leave town before I hit the highway.

It looks as if this time by next week I will be on my way to the southern rim of the Grand Canyon in AZ. I plan on spending 4 weeks in the area, exploring, taking pictures and trying to find places for all the boxes that are setting on the couch. And as I mentioned the last time I plan on meeting the girl I took to the prom almost 40 years ago. We lost touch with each other until about 2 ½ years ago when we found each other on the Internet.

Lugnut is doing fine but I can tell he knows something is up with all the moving going on in the RV. Plus I have been getting him use to a harness and leash. The harness is okay now but the leash is a different story. In time I do feel he will come around as I keep doing it a little more each time.

With my broadband AirCard from Sprint I will be able to use the Internet on the road so I will keep posting to my web site, photos and a journal of my travels.

One of the goals of my going “Full-Time” is to discover who I am and just what I can and can not do. Since my auto accident in 1999 and the resulting disability in 2003 I have found myself going downhill. This along with the marriage problems, additional health concerns and decided I wasn’t going to just wait around until I was in a wheel chair or worse. I was going to live life and discover what I was still made of. A few years ago a friend said I lost the, “Eye of the tiger.” He was referring to the Rocky movies where the fighter lost his desire to fight. I guess in a way after losing our home, van, and so much else, not to mention my wife, I did lose the will to fight. I was giving up.

That’s about the time I came across four friends I went to high school with in the mid-sixties on the Internet and also discovered you all here at the Escapees Forum. With the help of others I started to look at things differently. Instead of thinking of what I lost, I started thinking about what I had, and what I still could do.

I remember reading here in the forum, advice to a couple who were going through the transition of bricks to wheels and undergoing a lot of stress. The advice, slow down, it will get done. Take little baby steps and smaller goals that lead to the finish or starting line. And most of all learn to enjoy it. Enjoy it I thought. All the little problems that pop up, all the extra money you don’t plan on, enjoy it? How?

Then I remember a bible verse that said, “It came to pass…” No it didn’t come to stay, it came to pass. And the strange thing about it, with each problem there was something I needed to learn. I needed to learn both about the RV and its many systems, life on the road and all of the speed bumps, but most of all I needed to learn more about myself.

I discover things that I could not do, but then I learn of other ways of getting them done. I also learn of things that I can still do. Like helping a blind organization in Dallas, TX build their web site, this lead to another business in NJ asking me to help them with their web site. While it may take me longer to do what I use to do in 8 hours I could still get it done and do a good job. I started remember things I had forgotten. Not working for 4 years can cause your brain to lock things away and sometimes it takes a jump start to get it going again.

So I guess the correct answer to, “Where is Harry-David & Lugnut?”, is right were they should be, living in their own time frame, doing what needs to be done, and moving closer to their goal.

Hope to see you all soon,

T-273.5 hours Until Luggy and I Leave

I am reminded when I worked for NASA in the mid-seventies, mostly around the time of the Apollo-Soyuz mission, when the count down clock was started. All the work and preparation and man-hours that went into a launch were unreal, even back then. The anticipation was so great you could feel it in the air.

While my "Launch" day is not as important as a NASA launch into space, there is still the preparation, the anticipation as if I'm about to under go a life changing event. Well, I am. I was thinking about what may lay ahead the other day and I was struck with a feeling of what was being left behind.

As most of you know, my wife of 35 years has decided that she wants to be alone, to find herself and be responsible to only herself and for only herself. After a separation for one year we got back together again but after about six months she told me that she did not want to live together, she was happier alone.

Yes, at first I was struck by all the emotions you could expect but after some time thinking about her side of it I can say I understand. I may not want it or like it, but I do understand.

I met her in college in 1973. Over the years I use to tell people we met in January, I started dating her February, asked her to marry me in March and married her in April.

One year and 4 days later we had our first child. In a little over a year my wife went from being a daughter, to becoming a wife, and then becoming a mother. Over the next 10 years we had two more children. Time had a way of warping the events in our lives. We would wake up one day and we were in our thirties. Life became consumed with building a career, taking care of the family and making ends meet.

One day we were in our forties and our children were growing up. Someday we thought, when they all leave home, we will travel the country on motorcycles. Doing all the things that responsible parents don't dare do when your children are under your roof.

Then like an atomic bomb going off we found everything changed. In just the course of a few years our children had left home, we became grand parents, our son was assigned to Afghanistan, I was broadsided by a pickup truck running a red light, and we lost everything. Everything changed. Our home, our van, our children and my health were all gone. Not only was the nest empty, but it too was taken away.

Learning to deal with constant pain, endless depression and all the changes took time, and it took its toll on us as well. We were no longer the same people we were 5, 10, or 20 years ago.

My wife said one day that she went from daughter to wife, to mother, and to grand mother and realized she never knew who she was. She had always been labeled as someone's daughter, my wife, or Jennifer's mom. And yes, one day she became Darby's grand mother. Thirty years had passed and she felt as if she didn't know who Beth was.

I love my wife dearly, but when someone wants something you can’t give them, what do you do? Because of my disability, I could no longer provide the things as the head of the household. Instead I had to watch her go to work, sometimes working all night in all kinds of weather. It bothered me to see her do the things she had to do.

I was once told by a psychologist that when a person becomes disabled their spouse is injured as well. Maybe not the same way with the same type of pain, but the emotions, the stress, the depression is just as real. And in some case even more so, they don’t get the attention, the caring concern or even the support that someone who becomes disabled does. Often they are left on their own to try and sort things out and find their own way. Coming to terms with life’s situations can be just as hard, if not harder.

As I spent hours filling out the divorce paperwork I reflected on the dates; our marriage, the children’s birthdays, when we acquired this vehicle or that lamp, it all started to form a story, a story of my life.

Setting in the oversized recliner I thought of how I would miss it. Along with the things we sometimes take for granted, I thought of the good times we had and the life that we shared, knowing that this lifestyle we call Full-Timing was not going to be shared with someone I had shared more then half of my life with.

Now as I look ahead, wondering what the future may hold, the excitement, the adventure, the newness you find only with the discovery of something you have never seen, felt or did before, I feel a part of me will be left behind as well.

So, in a way, they are bittersweet, these feelings that I have about what lays before me. And as I finish getting moved into the Motor Home I can’t help to think that I am forgetting something.

So I know this is not much of a discussion but more of a frame of mind. But I was just thinking, has anyone else, maybe years ago in the mist of getting ready to leave, to begin an adventure, has anyone else thought about the things they left behind and in some way been able to sort all this out to where it makes sense? Or is it even suppose to?